whiskmeaway19

figures this weeks schedule screws up plans....






so who wants to go with me to see oklahoma on sat, 7/21 @ 7:30pm @ camden county college??? please!! i want a buddy to go with and already bought 2 tickets! lemme know!!!

i'm sorry to all those who freaked after reading my entry last night... i didnt mean for it to be taken that way. i'm sorry for how i've been lately... that will change after this week. :-/

so christmas is only like 3 weeks away.... sooo not looking forward to it. have no gifts for anyone, no ideas, no motivation. blah!!!!!!!! why cant it be jan 15th yet? that way i dont have to deal with christmas or the beg of jan :'-( you would think that each year would get easier but for some reason thanksgiving was that much worse this year so i can only imagine what christmas and jan will hold for me. who wants to take me in at the beg of jan so i dont have to get all upset at my family yet again this year??? i really hate the holidays and wish they didnt exist!!!!!!!!

so its been how long since i've actually sat down here and written??? well heres what i do with my time while my roommates are all in class and i am sitting in the apt alone but should be doign hw....


update on things...

* summer was crazy. uber busy with working and classes and whatnot. got to spend time with the best of friends which was nice. didnt get to see others as much as i'd like to have but thats what being back at rowan is for :-) got to see corinne and danny which was quite an adventure (nothing like having to get ur car towed and new battery and alternator before being able to head back to jersey.)

* classes are alright... keeping me busy with paper proposals, bibliographies, unit/lesson plans. reading assignments, etc.... this semester might just kill me

* sup has its ups and downs... still unsure of things but we'll see. yay for rachel being on eboard now!!! boo to eboard and cos pissing me off every so often. gotta love keeping the amount of time i spend there this yr to a minimum... oops! i guess thats what happens when u feel belittled and not heard by people all the time.

* work is ok... not getting many hours... or a regular schedule which sucks. turned in my paperwork for subbing as a result so hopefully i'll get some experience there.

* boys have been a never ending confusion.....




how is it that two people can be soo close and suddenly everything comes crashing apart? why is it that two people both want the same things and yet its awkward and confusing between them? why cant things in the past be left in the past? why cant questions be answered and problems be solved? why cant things ever be easy for me?




i hate how one of my closest friends has shut me out completely... i'm hurt that he wants to hangout with one of my friends but not me. i get that things are complicated with us but why cant we still be friends? i dont know what to do.... part of me wants to hangout with him bc i miss him like whoa! but theres another part of me that says hanging out with him will only hurt me more.... :-/

dont expect me to come hangout if the past two times you have been around u have done nothing but ignore me....



i wish that things could go back to how they were before.... i wish that i could snap my fingers and everything would be all better....



why is it that everyone else seems to have no problem finding someone to make them happy? i wish i could have someone to just hangout with and kiss and such... is that too much to ask for? apparently so..... and its funny bc no one understnads how i am 21 and still have never had a bf.... i dont have the time with classes adn work and sup and everything for a relationship seeing as though i've never had one, but it would be nice to have someone to spend time with....



why do i push away anything that could be good? but want what i cant have or is bad? do i want to much? what do i feel like i dont deserve to be happy?

so i havent written in here at all lately....


things have been crazy with working, moving from one apt to the other, and sup stuff... nothing like being up for 15+ hrs and getting no sleep thanks to freshmen move in and such.

classes start tues and sadly i'm actually looking forward to it.

so people are starting to move back to campus and thats nice... i've missed being around certain people...

boys suck.... i'm sooo done with being hurt and putting myself out there just to be disappointed....

i wish that things were sooo different...

i'm soo confused right now with stuff....


write more later.....

So is it possible to have soo many thoughts running through your head and not know how to put them down into writing???
 

 
 
 

 
 

 

 
 

 
 

 

* have you ever felt like no one cares about you? 
 
 
 
* have you ever felt like no one realizes what you're going through?
 
 
 
* how come some people are always alone and others last such short times or never are alone?
 
 
 
* why is it the same people are always being tested in their strength? 
 
 
 
 
 
 * why cant things ever turn out right for me? 
 
 
 
 
 
 * why is it a  girl can flirt and have guys be interested in her... but as nothing more than friends.... even if they decide to cheat on their gf with her?
 
 
 
 
 
 .... why is this always the case for me????
 
 
 
 
 
 .... i wish things would change and stop hurting ....
 
 
  

as much as i may be happy for others around me, never have i felt sooo lonely and all alone...     :'-(   

so many thoughts going through my head and i dont know how to express them....

I've kissed someone;

on the cheek
on the lips
on their hands or fingers
in my room
in their room
of the same sex
of the opposite sex
younger than me
older than me
with jet black hair
with gray hair
with curly hair
with blonde hair & blue eyes
with flaming red hair
shorter than me
taller than me
with a lip ring
with a tounge ring
who was drunk
who was high
who I had just met
who was homosexual
who I didn't really want to kiss
on a holiday
on a dare
who was going out with someone else
who was going out with someone close to me
who was my good friend's brother or sister
who had been/is in jail
in a graveyard
in a church
at a show/concert
at the beach
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with
with dyed hair
with a shaved head
who was/is my good friend
who was/is in a band
who has tattoos
who is of a completely different race than me.
in the rain ...no, but i wish... ah The Notebook! :-)
in another continent besides where I was born
with an accent
with an std
on a boat
in a car/taxi/bus
on a plane
at the circus/carnival
with a missing body part.
in the movies ...what about watching movies?
eskimo style
upside down
in jail
who I didn't know their name ... knew, forgot and only remembered after when i was talking to him ... or then there was the one who i didnt know until AFTER i kissed him for a long time...
who didn't know my name ... its a matter of did he remember it?  ... or that he knew after the fact...
who was wearing pink underwear
who was a complete asshole ...now is
who forgot about it ... quite possible
on a roller coaster
when I was 10
in an RV
who thought I was a member of the opposite sex.
who thought I was drunk when I wasn't ... quite possibly
who broke my heart
who's heart I broke ...maybe not broke, but did hurt

ahhh why is it when people are drunk they will suddenly put aside everything else? why cant people act the same sober as they do drunk?






ok, so being alone and having plenty of time to think about things isnt helping this ... nor does getting random texts from a certain boy who's drunk while i'm sober.



blah................

so have u ever done something and then regretted it because it prevented other things you wanted to happen? :-/

is it possible to have so many thoughts running through my head and not know how to express them in words?



:-/

*The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night <3 Poo Crew


I know you can be under whelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?

(Tues, 1/24)
Me: I havent been hungry lately...
Cate: Well, atleast thats one problem you dont have... if you were pregnant you would be eating everything in sight...


(Tues, 1/17)
"A... B... 3..."

(Sun, 1/15)
"FUCK YOU LIL DUDES!! ... Oh dear god, they went down..."

"Ooo, he's got a hole... ooo, it's a big one too!" ... "he forgot to finish"

"this way i can put it in something and it doesnt squirt out"

When the keg has been kicked, when the liquor has run dry, when we've fallen outta love with the "perfect" guy. when the party's over, when we're passed out on the floor, when we can't keep playin beer pong anymore. when the ciggs are gone, when there's no weed in the place, when our mascara is running all over our face. when we've fallen down, when the world has turned cold, when we're sitting in our rockers gettin' old....we'll still be best friends cause we all know the deal: we're each others' girls and we'll always keep it real.



"Best Friends are like condoms.. they protect you when things get hard."




... Yeah I have my addictions & keep my share of secrets & things you'll never see...




... All I want is someone to believe in me To be free with me...




... If it feels good & sounds nice Then its ur choice dont doubt yourself Dont even think twice...





Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are senstive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.



"Wait, shopping for what?"
::laughs::
"Uh, boys or toys?"
::laughs::
"No need for boys if you have toys"
"Haha, well, there ya go"



*Some people are settling down,
Some people are settling and
Some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies*



... Although I'm young, I'm not naive, I am not easy to deceive...



... Dont let the bitters bring u down Dont let anything bring u down...





... everything u want & everything u see, is out of reach...




... I just like to dream...





... i'm not that girl...




... I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so...



... some ppl refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies...



... train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose...



... u must do the thing u think u cannot do.



... Well, I wish that things were so different...





... why cant i...




Becky: Boys are so stupid
Jenna: -ugh- Becky, its even worse than you think.
Becky: I mean how come the ones you like never like you.
Jenna: Well you have to fight for what you want. …Rule number one- Love is a battlefield.
Becky: Wow, that’s deep, really deep.




* Or possibly, try harder, stupid...

* 60% of all human communication is non verbal... body language


* No woman wakes up saying "God, i hope i dont get swept off my feet today..."

so lets see... recap of last week...

sun: lazy day of sleeping in, reading, and just pretty much bumming around recovering from working and being on my feet for 24 hrs the 2 days before that.
mon: worked 11-6. then went down to tracys and hung out with her. exchanged christmas presents. ate chinese food. gossiped and had a good time.
tues: bummed around all morning. ris' early bday dinner at pizza hut with the family. then ran errands for a lil.
weds: went up to cates and hung out with ppl up there. went to dan's to hangout and drink with ppl weds night. fun times!
thurs: chilled in ocean with cate. went out to eat with cate and her mommy. :-) chilled for the rest of the day, went to travis' bowling game, etc. then headed to avalon... where brian had apparently beat me to. chilled with him for the rest of the night. yay for having company down in the dead lil town that avalon is during the winter :-)
fri: worked 11-8. went to the movies to see casanova with joshie.
sat: colonial with katie. bank, gas. packing and cleaning. and now off to work. before chilling, packing and sleeping adn then waking up to move in at rowan in the morning....


... so overall i'd say that with looking back on my break it was a good one filled with many fun times with friends. :-D

... so why is it we want what we can't have?...

"The Right Kind of Wrong" -Leann Rimes

I know all about,
Yea about your reputation
And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it any more
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Lovin you, That isn't really something I should do
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you ya
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Ya, baby you're the right kind of wrong

It might be a mistake
A mistake I'm makin'
But what your givin I am happy to be takin
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way when I'm in your arms

They say your somethin I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
Lovin you, That isn't really something I should do ya-hey
I shouldn't wanna spend my time with you ya
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Ya, baby you're the right kind of wrong

I should try to run but I just can't seem to
'Cause every time I run your the one I run to
Can't do without what you do to me,
I don't care if I'm in to deep yeah...

 

"Dirty Little Secret"- All American Rejects

... Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell any one or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life back...

 

 

 

"Bad Habits"- Michael Tolcher

I get all my bad habits watchin' you
It's true
Well, I wish that things were so different
Change it myself
It's what i'll do

 

 

 

 

... What would you do if I could have you? oh if I could, i'd let you feel everything I'm thinking... Wouldn't that be nice?...

 

 

 

 

"Flying High"  - Jem

You can't know, oh no
You can't know
How much I think about you, no
It's making my head spin
Looking at you
And you are looking at me
And we both know what we want
Hmmm, so close to giving in

Feel so nice
Oh yeah you feel so nice
Wish I could spend the night
But I can't pay the price
Oh no, no

But I'm flying so high
High off the ground
When you're around
And I can feel your high
Rocking me inside
It's too much to hide

I know, oh yes
I know that we can't
Be together
But, I just like to dream
It's so strange
The way our paths have crossed
How we were brought together
Hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems
Feel so nice
Oh yeah you feel so nice
I'd love to spend the night
But I can't pay the price
Oh no, no

And I'm flying so high
High off the ground
When you're around
And I can feel your high
Touching me inside
And it's too much to hide

Back to earth
Where did you take me to
I know there's no such thing
As painless love
Well it'll catch us up
And we can never win
But ohhh
I feel so alive
Ohhh
Just wanna hold you
Hold you so tight

And I'm flying so high
High off the ground
When you're around
And I can feel your high
Touching me inside
And it's too much to hide
And I'm flying so high
High off the ground
When you're around

 

 

 

 

Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make ev'ry last moment last
As long as you're mine...

 

 

 

... Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Rinse" - Vanessa Carlton

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[Chorus]

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way